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France to Santiago

A Tough Day

6/1/2015

 
Sunday... It was a really tough day for me. Expectations.  I expected that it would be an easier day after resting and taking a day off. I wanted to be rearin' to go. Instead,  it started out hard and only got harder. It was like we hadn't had any time off at all. My feet were killing me. I had to switch to my hiking sandals early in the day. The day started out with a long walk in the city...not my favorite. Concrete walking is really tough on your feet and legs.

Sometimes, these towns decide to "help the Pilgrims" by paving the trail...which is terrible. Today we did 13 kilometers on "improved trail", which means 13 km of foot beating and leg torture. To top it off, the trail follows alongside the highway. Not really lovely and not really pleasant. And it was hot. And that was just the first 13km.

It was slow going. Physically and mentally tough. I still hate being passed up every day, all day. Still hate feeling like I'm last or that I am less than everyone else. Seems like everyone else is doing it easily. I wanted to walk the Camino as a ministry to listen to others,  but that is hard to do when people keep passing you. I also wanted to walk to prove to myself that I could do this, which I am seriously doubting right now. I don't want to complain. I don't want to share my pains and doubts,  but it is obvious how hard this is for me. Billy is super patient, but I can't get past feeling like I am holding him back. I'm frustrated with myself and I'm afraid he will get frustrated with me, too.

Somewhere between Navarette and Ventosa,  I broke down. I lost it. I just started crying like a baby. I was physically hurting. I was exhausted.  I was an emotional wreck. I lost it.

To add insult to injury,  I started getting cramps in my foot and my back and shoulder.  Dehydration was going to play a factor in this day. No water equals guaranteed cramps. Billy tried to massage the cramp out of my shoulder and back and it was excruciating!  So, of course,  I cried again.

When we got to Ventosa (11 km short of our goal), we called it quits for the day. We got a place to stay,  to try to regain composure,  and to debrief what is going on with me and this journey.

We had a good, long talk. I cried a lot. It is really hard for me to confront something that I can't figure put.  It's equally terrible to be face to face with something that I might not be able to conquer or be successful at. I've always been able to find a way to succeed at everything I really put my mind in to. But the Camino is another animal. ..I'm not sure I can win this battle, and that is tough to deal with.

I'm giving my 100% best every day. I'm giving it all I've got. I've got nothing more to give. The reserves are gone. Yet I fall short every day. I can't meet my own goals. I fail at my own expectations all the time. I feel like I'm letting Billy down and holding him back.

Really, at 2pm today, I just wanted to go home and admit that The Camino had won this battle. This is the hardest thing I have ever done. I'm not sure I can do it. I don't know how to deal with failure in this. I'm a mess. Something has to change. I can't walk all the way to Santiago like this.

(Adendum. ..After crying and talking to Billy  and debriefing and resetting expectations,  I feel ready to continue. He's a great coach!  We'll see what tomorrow brings.)
Kelli Levey
6/1/2015 03:45:49 am

Praying for you! You inspire me, sister!
You know what they say - what you've said - sometimes you have to hit rock bottom to really admit how much we rely on God. So you've done that and you're doing that. Move on.

Gerry Williams
6/1/2015 04:30:30 am

Laurie You Are Already A Winner! I look up to you and think that you are such an awesome woman of God! I will pray and ask God to give you the strength you need to accomplish what He wants you to. I Love You, And May God Grant You Favor!

Liz Olden
6/1/2015 06:22:53 am

Always praying for you and Billy! Hoping today and the next is much better for you.

Meg Anderson-Brown link
6/1/2015 06:26:58 am

Hi Laurie. I have been praying and will continue. So are a lot of others. Try not to worry about your speed. This is your journey and you are not being graded. Maybe those who need to share aren't the ones zipping along the trail. They may be having cramps, blisters, and aching joints, as well as aching hearts. From a Dr. perspective, see if you can find some Gatorade powder to put in your water. It tastes better so you drink more and replaces your electrolytes. Also any massage oil, gel, or lotion with arnica in it may be helpful, too.
LOVE YOU!

Meg Anderson-Brown link
6/1/2015 10:03:56 am

Also, calcium at bedtime (at least 8oz of milk or a supplement) to help with muscle cramps. Try to get at least 1000mg per day.

Jennifer Shoalmire
6/1/2015 02:38:54 pm

Thank you Meg!! Amen to that!
My sweet friend, Laurie, what if what you ARE able to accomplish each day is what you ARE supposed to accomplish? What if that is what God wants you to learn? It is SOOO NOT a failure, on any continent!!!! You ARE succeeding, you are lapping EVERYONE on the couch!!! I love that saying. Moving is a positive motion and it makes no mind how fast or when or where you stop and rest. You are doing something a LOT of us dream about!!! I want to be there holding your hand and cheering you on and know that in spirit, I AM!!! Please don't think ANY of this journey is a failure! You are doing what God needs you to. Walking, thinking and keeping us posted on your journey. You are "walking" with all of us each day as we pray for you and think about your journey. Lord, please wrap your loving arms around my sweet, awesome, loving friend! Let her feel your Grace and Peace with each step she takes. Help her hear you and rely on you for the support she needs. -Amen.

Kate
6/1/2015 06:44:08 am

Oh girl. Feeling you today as I start my first new position in almost 5 years. It's not that I don't know how to do the things I need to, it's that it's all learning curve, and I've never done these things in this way. So I'm battling feeling like a failure on the first day, just because for the first time in that long, I don't know how to do my job or even what the measurements of success are. It's strange and horrible and wonderful all at the same time. Mucho encouragement coming your way. Love you both!

Sarah
6/1/2015 05:36:40 pm

Phil 4:13. It WORKS!! Love you❤️

Kristin
6/2/2015 05:29:48 am

You've got this. Just put one for in front of the other. So proud of you for sharing do honestly.

Shelley
6/2/2015 10:35:13 am

Like you said you always find a way to get it done. You haven't met the trek before, so just keep looking for the way to get it done. You can do this!

Thomas
6/2/2015 01:11:02 pm

Love you mom!!!

Kris
6/2/2015 04:17:32 pm

Laurie- you are in my heart and I am sending you a hug. I sure wish I had a good piece of advice for you. Those stretches along the highway are b-o-r-i-n-g and I know they can get you down. The best I can do is tell you to marvel at those who pass you by and be happy for them and their stamina. Let Billy go ahead and plan to meet him at the top of the next hill or in the next town. Ship your pack one day. You can only do what you can do. Walk the camino your way. I think of that analogy about the oxygen masks on airplanes and that you have to put yours on first before you can assist those around you. And, I hope this makes you smile- Nancy and I talked about that Irish blessing- may the road rise up to meet you.... ouch, that would hurt! Take care of yourself Laurie! God bless you.

Becky
6/2/2015 09:38:58 pm

May this lesson never leave you. It's the thing.


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    Billy & Laurie Drum

    29 years together. Parents to 3 awesome kids.  Followers of Jesus. Counselors. Coaches. Teachers. Pilgrims.

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